Often, after about a few 4 months of full-schedules, sleepless nights, overslept days, a lot of whatevers', I would suddenly remember some songs that would soothe my sudden depressions. Then I would cry like a baby, sobbing and even grasping for air.
I felt alone. Altough I have him.
I'm always the one who listens, the one who pats him on the back, kiss him on the forehead, and tell him that everything will be alright. He would be the one who tells me Thank you, can't live without you, you're the one I'm living for.
I'm a tough girl, I always wanted to be tough, independent. The one who helps people and does not need help.
But then I cannot always be tough, sometimes I want to cry in someone's arms, telling him MY problems. Telling him Thank you, asking him how can I survive without him.
But that doesn't happen between us.
It never happens to me.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
19.08.2011
Sometimes when he's feeling bad, very bad, I can be very angry at him.
He almost lost his job. His part-time job at a mooncake factory. He was parking his motorbike when he accidently hit the big tray with ALL fresh mooncake. And his salary for the past two weeks were summoned as compensation.
He was depressed when he pick me up from Waacking lessons. I can see it in his eyes, he felt bad and he didn't really want to talk about it. When he finally told me what happened, he apologized.
We were planning to go on a vacation somewhere near when he earn some money. And he was also intending to buy me a Valentine present. I didn't really need it, actually. I told him I have him and that's more than enough and there is nothing more I can ask from him. I'm not comforting him, it's true! As for the vacation, we've been together for 5 months but never really went anywhere to really DATE.
What's really getting on my nerves is that when he felt bad, felt sorry, he just don't listen to anyone else. And kept skulking for the whole night, whole day, even whole week but not even finding a way to solve the problem! It's heartbreaking enough to see him unhappy, and it felt even worse when I cannot help him even if I tried!! "Nevermind"s,"It's alright"s,"Don't worry"s,"I'll be here for you"s were always said but he still whine and groan.
Sometimes I can handle it, but there are times when I really wanted to shout at him. That I have my own day, I have my own problems too but I NEVER complain and skulk like he did!!
It's like he never know that what's hurting him is hurting me as much as well.
He almost lost his job. His part-time job at a mooncake factory. He was parking his motorbike when he accidently hit the big tray with ALL fresh mooncake. And his salary for the past two weeks were summoned as compensation.
He was depressed when he pick me up from Waacking lessons. I can see it in his eyes, he felt bad and he didn't really want to talk about it. When he finally told me what happened, he apologized.
We were planning to go on a vacation somewhere near when he earn some money. And he was also intending to buy me a Valentine present. I didn't really need it, actually. I told him I have him and that's more than enough and there is nothing more I can ask from him. I'm not comforting him, it's true! As for the vacation, we've been together for 5 months but never really went anywhere to really DATE.
What's really getting on my nerves is that when he felt bad, felt sorry, he just don't listen to anyone else. And kept skulking for the whole night, whole day, even whole week but not even finding a way to solve the problem! It's heartbreaking enough to see him unhappy, and it felt even worse when I cannot help him even if I tried!! "Nevermind"s,"It's alright"s,"Don't worry"s,"I'll be here for you"s were always said but he still whine and groan.
Sometimes I can handle it, but there are times when I really wanted to shout at him. That I have my own day, I have my own problems too but I NEVER complain and skulk like he did!!
It's like he never know that what's hurting him is hurting me as much as well.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
17.08.2011
There were tears in his eyes. I saw it from the rear mirror of his bike. I was shocked, but I kept quiet. I didn't really wanted him to know that I know he felt bad. I don't know why.
There are many things that I don't know.
I don't know why I told him so suddenly, in a pleasant night when we were both enjoying like always. Why I told him when he was gobbling up his spaghetti, while I was tasting the black pepper sauce on the fork.
He went silent.
This wasn't actually a news, we've talked about it before. When we were just dating for what I guess, two weeks? I didn't think he took it seriously, as always, he just think there IS time.
But this time he wasn't as OK as before. And I wonder why.
I've been wanting to tell him lately, to remind him that there are dreams of mine. And I wanted him to join me, to New York, to LA, to Chicago. Anywhere, anywhere in the US will be where I find my dreams. Dreams to dance, dreams to search for further dreams, dreams to direct, to understand, to see what performing arts are really ought to be. It couldn't be better if we can both go.
Yes I know his dreams too. It's simple. He just wanted to dance. To Lock his life out. And make money, and marry me, and have kids who can dance locking too. We want same things, but I was the one who want it more desperately, I was the one who know that dreams can be fulfilled.
And I blurt out those words.
I ask him if he wants to go to US with me. He paused for awhile, then smile reluctantly and said "Yes, of course", in the way he always did when he don't really mean it. He was just trying to make me happy make me satisfied and just saying it because he thinks that what I want to hear.
But it wasn't, it was never like that.
To me, I rather listen to the truth, than listening to what sounds good but not real.
I didn't yell at him like I usually do when I found out he wasn't speaking his heart. I know there are problems. His family, money. I understand. But I want him too.
We paid for the steak and spaghetti and went towards his motorbike.
He put his arms around my shoulder tightly, kiss my sweaty face, then pull me closer.
Then again, I said "I'm planning to go for two semesters on my third year." Which means the year after the next. He was startled and said "That's when I just finish my army service". I nodded. And that, means we will be seperated for two years. Two fucking years was what in my mind.
On the ride back home, we was silent. And that's when I saw the tears. I tried to hug him from behind, like always, but I just didn't. I have no idea why.
There are many things that I don't know.
I don't know why I told him so suddenly, in a pleasant night when we were both enjoying like always. Why I told him when he was gobbling up his spaghetti, while I was tasting the black pepper sauce on the fork.
He went silent.
This wasn't actually a news, we've talked about it before. When we were just dating for what I guess, two weeks? I didn't think he took it seriously, as always, he just think there IS time.
But this time he wasn't as OK as before. And I wonder why.
I've been wanting to tell him lately, to remind him that there are dreams of mine. And I wanted him to join me, to New York, to LA, to Chicago. Anywhere, anywhere in the US will be where I find my dreams. Dreams to dance, dreams to search for further dreams, dreams to direct, to understand, to see what performing arts are really ought to be. It couldn't be better if we can both go.
Yes I know his dreams too. It's simple. He just wanted to dance. To Lock his life out. And make money, and marry me, and have kids who can dance locking too. We want same things, but I was the one who want it more desperately, I was the one who know that dreams can be fulfilled.
And I blurt out those words.
I ask him if he wants to go to US with me. He paused for awhile, then smile reluctantly and said "Yes, of course", in the way he always did when he don't really mean it. He was just trying to make me happy make me satisfied and just saying it because he thinks that what I want to hear.
But it wasn't, it was never like that.
To me, I rather listen to the truth, than listening to what sounds good but not real.
I didn't yell at him like I usually do when I found out he wasn't speaking his heart. I know there are problems. His family, money. I understand. But I want him too.
We paid for the steak and spaghetti and went towards his motorbike.
He put his arms around my shoulder tightly, kiss my sweaty face, then pull me closer.
Then again, I said "I'm planning to go for two semesters on my third year." Which means the year after the next. He was startled and said "That's when I just finish my army service". I nodded. And that, means we will be seperated for two years. Two fucking years was what in my mind.
On the ride back home, we was silent. And that's when I saw the tears. I tried to hug him from behind, like always, but I just didn't. I have no idea why.
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